Even though yesterday I had my first real win of the week (accomplishing everything I set out to do AND emailing in a big 10-page chunk to my advisor), today I woke up feeling nothing but dread, resentment, and a debilitating amount of stress.
I am starting to really loathe this project, which is only natural, I suppose. I hate it for not being done, for not even cooperating with me while I'm trying to get it done. I hate it for eating up all my time and peace of mind. Ben and I were talking about our projects over lunch yesterday, and I think I finally realized just how much of a toll the constant stress of it is taking on me. Even before I started hard-core work on it this week, it was always looming. Even after I get this draft turned in next week, it will continue to loom until my final draft is due at the end of April, and then it will continue to loom until my defense.
Even though I have about only 10 more pages left until I hit the minimum requirement, I know that 10 more pages will not say everything I want to say. Right now I'm probably looking at 40-45 total pages instead of 35.
I have a week until this draft is due, and yet I have no idea what this draft is supposed to be like. I wish the English department had more detailed guidelines. I mean, a "draft" could mean the main ideas, with quotes missing, specific research missing, bibliography and footnotes and citations missing. Or it could mean a near-perfect draft, with only revising and editing left to do. Obviously I am more on the patchy side than the complete side right now.
I had wanted to be 85% done with this going into next week, but now that is looking unrealistic. Next week I will most likely be in the library 24/7 again... but at least the library will be open.
[UPDATE]
I acquired a new place to work and a Pepsi. Things are looking up.
Sort of.[UPDATE 2]
Make that 39 books.
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